Dear Reader,
I've heard the title phrase above, many times. Now, however, I can attest to it first hand.
In what was, typically, a really dumb accident a couple of weeks ago out in the gardens, I got a stick in the eye full on. Wow! A stick in the eye is really bad. First, you're stunned, as in "What the hell just happened?" Then you realize that, although you don't have anything in your eye at the moment, something was just IN your eye, and hit it really HARD. You try to readjust your vision, but NOT RUB, your eye, and the vision doesn't realign. Then, moving the eye in its socket starts to hurt, as vision continues to blur. It begins to feel as if you have a HUGE grain of sand, or other object, in your eye. Exceedingly unpleasant.
So, I went through the regular garden "close down," put away my tools, etc. But on the way home I kept checking for blood, as my eye hurt more and vision didn't unblur. Got home, put in eye drops, eye wash. Sat with my head back and eyes closed, and the swelling continued and pain didn't subside. Total bummer. I finally taped it shut, completely immobilizing the eyelid. Slept on it that way, and it felt better the next day. I had no more pain, and although my vision was still blurred, it began to clear up. Now, two weeks later, I'm back to 20/20, or whatever it is.
ca. 4/21/07
All of this is by way of saying I'm sorry for the long delay between entries. A lot has happened since my last missive. I've had a birthday, though I haven't gotten the new tattoo yet; nearly poked my eye out (see above); had a great concert, the lead-up to and let-down from which were utterly exhausting; had various work episodes and problems, which I am hoping to solve.
Most of the time I still feel so overwhelmed by things, I just want to lock my door and never leave my apartment. But fortunately, when I get out into the gardens, I feel as if I can at least do that without anyone criticizing or second-guessing me. I sometimes feel that way with my chorus, as well, but there's a lot of other baggage there.
I've also paid for some time on "Match.com," which means that I am trying that venue to meet someone. I'm not thrilled about it, but I feel as if my options are limited. I need a decent photo of myself to post. The one good thing that's happened lately is that I've been able to keep the weight I've lost off; I've been eating right and not fallen back to cookies and take-out. I'm hoping I'll at least be able to keep this together.
April 29, to continue:
Well, I've been trying to get this entry done for a couple of weeks now, but have been too distracted, overwhelmed, or depressed to do so. I don't know why I've been so depressed; I think most of it is related to my chorus, for a number of reasons that I won't bore you with in this entry. Suffice it to say it has to do with politics, interpersonal relationships (or lack thereof), and general malaise. It's also just plain exhausting, and the feedback I get is sometimes so lukewarm, that I feel all of my efforts are largely unappreciated. I don't know why I keep knocking myself out for the group, but I do. Maybe I'll learn in another year or two.
The one saving grace has been the gardens. Although I am not getting out as early as I would like, and want to, I have been getting out for long enough periods to work myself into pain (though not too bad) and exhaustion (very bad). There has been a lot of rain, and a mountain (literally) of woodchips was dumped in my area several weeks ago, on which I have been chipping (ouch, sorry!) away at the rate of 5-8 wheelbarrow loads per day each weekend, weather permitting. The chips and the ground have remained wet for the last several weeks. Good for the garden, bad for my back, because it makes the loads a lot heavier, and moving and dumping more difficult. In the long run, it should be great for the place, however. I have enough materials to spread over most of the bare areas in "No Man's Land," and I'm hoping to get it covered while the soil is still damp. Hopefully, we'll have adequate rain over the summer, but if not, this groundcover will help keep things green.
I wish I could be as hopeful about other areas of my life. I still feel unable to deal with many issues, including meeting someone. I am hopeful that I'll keep the weight off. I have really retrained my appetite, and I think it will stick this time. The last time I was this "thin" in my adult life was from 1988 to 1992, when I lost about 35 pounds, and maintained that weight off for the entire 4-year period. I weighed around 135, which was a good weight for my bone structure; less than that, and I really started to look bony, which I didn't want. Right now I'm at 142, which is actually okay. I'm at about a size 12, and although I don't look "skinny," I think I look okay when I dress in clothes that fit. Or so I've been told. In any case, the last time, a major heartbreak and depression led me to gain the weight back. As this weight loss started with a heartbreak, I think I may be on the right track this time to keep it off. We'll see, anyway.
I hope to write more regularly again going forward. I do get something out of this, even if no one is reading. At least I know it's out there if anyone wants to (as if!).
More photos to come,
Catbird
