Post-Valentine's Day Uplift

Dear Reader,

Okay, I'm feeling better than my last entry expressed. I've had a week to digest everything that was happening then: the computer guy came and did some helpful work (though not much more than I could have done if I'd wanted to really work harder at it); the ceiling didn't cave in when he saw the place, and Big Guy's friendly presence helped; the computer is working again, though AOL is still down which really irritates me, as I'm paying for it and they have given me no helpful advice to date.

And, despite the fact that this was the first Valentine's Day in a long time when I really missed having a "Valentine," I don't feel as bad as I might. I'm keeping the weight off, I have some new clients, I've discovered "The Sopranos," I got my music straightened and organized (except for my big scores, which placement I still have to figure out), I think I'm getting a handle on other issues, and best of all, I made "Valentine's Day" cupcakes for my chorus the other night, and they were quite well-received! I had one woman stride up to me with an empty "cup" and another half-eaten one and say "Did you make these; they're DELICIOUS!" So, I was pretty pleased with that.

I've discovered over time that one of the best things one can do for getting out of a deep depression is to do something for someone else. Sometimes the more "someone elses" you do it for, the better. So, I figured I would try to do something special for my chorus members. Our rehearsal was on February 13; I decided to do a "Valentine's Day Warm Up." It worked out very well, too. The cupcakes, my first baking effort in years, were a hit; the candy and minimal decorations brought enough cheer on a really crappy weather evening to help everyone feel a little better as they left rehearsal. Putting something out there, even as simple as a baked good, can be a risk, but this time it worked.

I had no specific Valentine, but in my chorus I had many friends. That helps me feel better.

I'm also looking forward to having an entire weekend to be able to get out into the gardens at last, and get started pruning and hauling woodchips. I'm in the midst of a debate with the Park Fund over the rapidity with which the woodchips should be distributed. I maintain that, as a volunteer, I should not have any time constraints put on my work. Apparently, the Parks Department (not necessarily the Park Fund) thinks otherwise. I'll keep you apprised as the debate progresses, but this is typical of Parks. They have absolutely no appreciation of the work volunteers do in their Parks, nor of the time constraints that volunteers work under. Generally, the Parks Department is poorly run, and ineffective. That's why all of the parks in New York City have volunteer-based organizations to keep them operating. If it were left to the Parks Department, there would be no usable parkland left in NYC; it would all be homeless encampments and trash heaps.

So, I'm feeling better. I'm also grateful that one of my old friends, who reads this column occasionally, offered to help with the computer issue. And, putting out a "shout" like that also got the attention, if only momentarily, of my family. It's sad that it's the only way to get their attention, and get them to initiate communication, but if that's what it takes, so be it, I guess.

No worries. There will be plenty of Catbird to come. Hopefully of a more entertaining nature, but more, none the less!

Best,
Catbird

Cascade Failure

Dear Reader,

I'm in a bad way, as follows:

I give up. I surrender. I can't do this anymore. I've just had a meeting with an attorney to handle some issues, and now my computer has melted down totally. Everything has stopped working; I took out Excel and Word to reinstall, and I can't reinstall. I can't use the second computer because the keyboard card doesn't work. I can't rebuild this system again; I've done it once already. The computer guy is coming tomorrow, and I know that's going to be a complete waste of time; he'll sit there and do all of the stuff I've already done, then tell me I need to wipe the hard drive and reinstall everything. I can't go through this again.

I am so tired of fighting everything; work, drinking, weight, men, computers, parks, my family, everything. I am so tired of everything feeling so hard, and being alone all of the time through it. With no one to help or support me. I am so tired of being alone. I've just had it.

I have someone coming in here tomorrow who is going to see this place and how screwed up I am, and I know it's just going to be a waste of time anyway. And I can't afford to pay someone $150/hr to tell me that the machine is beyond repair.

I can't do this anymore. I am so tired. Everything has been so hard and I just can't do this anymore. Nothing helps; beer, meds, gardens, cats, nothing helps anymore. And I look around this place and see a crazy person. I don't even have the will or energy to try to pick things up anymore. It's just overwhelming, and it's all me. It's not the lack of space; if I had more space it would be worse, because there would be that much more crap. I can't do this anymore.

I can't let them take my cats to WV. They'll just get sick and die there. I want to be cremated and strewn part in the Broadway Malls and part in the Park. Everything else can be trashed. There are a couple of small things, but I can't deal with that now. Hopefully my life insurance will pay my debts. If not, they can sell my stuff on Ebay and maybe get enough.

I'm so tired of fighting and struggling. I have no one to help me; I feel as if I'm always fighting the rest of the world just to stay alive. Forget about EVER being happy. Never has happened.

I canceled my appointment with my ocular oncologist, because I don't care if I have cancer. I hope it is, and it spreads. I can't afford to take care of it anyway, so what difference does it make?

No one will notice when I'm gone. Yes, I believe that. A few people will be sad for a couple of minutes, then life will go on. There will be no big gap. The clients will get someone new in; the chorus will get someone new in; my friends will get someone new in, the park will get someone new in, and my family will keep on as before, except they won't have the bother of my showing up twice a year to fuck things up. A big relief all around.

I am just so tired of fighting everything all of the time. I am so tired of justifying my existence. Might as well stop. Oh, I wish I could die or that someone would kill me. See? I can't even do this right. I can't even overdose on the meds I have. How could I kill myself? I don't even have the spine or courage do to that. All I can think of to do is curl up and not move anymore. I don't know what else to do. I am just so tired of all of this. I can't do it anymore.

And why didn't anyone ever tell me that "The Sopranos" was so fucking brilliant? As a soprano, I should have been informed.

Catbird

Whasss Uuuup!!!??

Dear Reader,

What to write about? Somewhere on my computer I actually have a list of topics, but today I feel as if I'm "listing," as a boat might, and have no real direction. It's winter, it's cold. We're between concerts and working on the basics of learning new music. New clients; reassessing old clients. Trying to do some of the typical "New Year" stuff; more personal reassessing, realigning, just cleaning!

My tendency is to bag all of this and just keep on as before, but I really have to fix some things. So, I will try.

It's SuperBowl weekend. No party invitations, nor did I extend any, although I would have liked to if I had the facilities. I make a mean chili, but this year, no takers.

I am bummed bigtime, but I want to keep that out of this forum if I can. I hope to get out into the Park tomorrow, even though it will be only 20 degrees or so. I'll wear my cross-country skiing garb, and try to get a few things done, though no pruning at this point; just too cold. Pruning season usually begins the first week of February, but this year it will have to wait until next weekend, if it's possible. We'll see.

Again, nature imposes itself on our lowly human plans!

Keeping a look out for Global Warming,
Catbird