What, Me Worry?

Dear Reader,

This is Big Guy. This is his normal sleeping position, especially during warmer weather. How can anyone not be cheered up by this?

I'm feeling better. Honestly, I don't know why. Maybe it's because I have this great cat to cheer me up when I get home. Kootie helps, too; her picture will be in the next column.

Maybe it's because a few people were very complimentary of my "new" body the other night at rehearsal, or maybe because several folks at the same rehearsal asked me why I wasn't auditioning for some solo licks in the pieces we're doing in April. Maybe it's because I finally ordered new pencils for the chorus, or because it's finally feeling a little like Spring again (after the winter, after the "spring" in January!), and I've been able to get out into the gardens and get my roses pruned and haul some woodchips.

Whatever the reasons, I'm feeling better for the moment at least. I'm looking forward to picking out my next tattoo to commemorate my next birthday, and then getting the work done. I'm looking forward to wearing fewer clothes as the weather warms up, and losing a few more pounds. I'm looking forward to planning the season-end party for my chorus, after our April 16 concert which, despite everything, will be good. Once the tickets arrived (late!!) from the printer, I felt that this program arc was finally in control.

I'm feeling better, big-time, because I've been able to really get down to business out in the Park, and with the early advent of Daylight Savings Time, I'll get a leg up on the work. That extra hour makes such a huge difference when one has the sleep problems that I do. That would be staying up all night, not able to go to bed, then finally getting to sleep when many folks are getting up. My circadian rhythms are so out of whack, but DST helps a little!

So, although I'm not a fount of cheerfulness, I'm getting better at least for the moment. This is probably a short-term thing, however. Depression has been my companion for so much of my life that I can't imagine it will ever go away completely, or even for a substantial length of time. I wish it would; I do not enjoy being depressed, unhappy, or otherwise impacted by this. It's just there. I try to get over it, past it and through it, but it always comes back. At least the meds keep me functioning.

So, we'll see how long this upturn lasts. I am going to try to do things that keep me feeling better and moving forward; again, we'll see. Writing here is something that helps me feel better; venting is always good. So, there will of course be more to come.

Catbird

At a Loss

Dear Reader,

I'm at a loss, though not for words. I've been holding off writing in an attempt to get some "real" work done: work in my apartment, cleaning out stuff; work-type work, to get some of the client materials out of my apartment; work in my gardens, weather permitting; work on my chorus stuff, to tie down some loose ends; even the most basic types of housework, like washing the dishes or doing laundry. I take a few starting steps, but can't keep at it; I get distracted by something, or just begin to feel overwhelmed and give in to watching TV or "googling" random things.

Lately I've been distracting myself by looking up recipes: (light) banana breads, muffins or different ways to cook spaghetti squash or other vegetation, soups, "healthy" foods. Over the last few months the one thing I've accomplished is losing 25 pounds; I'm not "thin" but at least I'm not as puffy as I was. But now I have to keep it off. Eating right is more labor-intensive than eating badly, and it makes for more post-meal labor. Dishes to wash, peelings (compostable), recyclables, whatever to discard, leftovers to store. But I am determined to at least do this: keep this weight off, and keep to a decent diet. I may be too depressed to move, but at least my cholesterol level will be good!

Depression is no fun. Even with medication, it's still possible to be depressed, even for long periods. Sometimes I feel as if I'm in a clear box that I can't break out of, no matter how I try. I take my meds religiously, but I frequently feel so overwhelmed by the vagaries of life that I can't even deal with the day-to-day mundanities. As I said in my previous entry, it's helpful to get out of myself and do stuff for other people, but this simply delays the inevitable: at the end of the day, I'm back in my apartment, looking at all of the stuff I should have done, and feeling overwhelmed yet again. Bummer.

What's the answer? I have no idea. I just keep trying to slog through and get something, anything done, so I can at least feel as if I've made one step forward. Though, then there are often two or three steps back after that. If I could just get to break-even, I'd be happy, I think.

Sorry to be such a downer. I really want to talk about some of the irritating conflict I'm having out in the Park, or even some of the irritating conflict I'm having with my chorus board. Or even talk about something positive, like developing good relationships with new clients, or toying with the idea of getting a dog, or all of the work I'm looking forward to doing out in the park (pruning season!).

But this feeling of being overwhelmed and overmatched by life is something I can't get past right now. I hope I'll have it worked through soon, because I feel stopped in my tracks, and I need to get started again. How?

Thanks for reading,
Catbird