Relationship? Huh? What? Maybe? Nope!

Dear Reader,

A while ago, a friend of mine asked me what I expected from a relationship. He was, of course, talking about the type of RELATIONSHIP between a man and a woman. The dicey part of answering this question was that he was the man and I was the woman, so I don't think he asked me this simply out of idle curiosity. Or, considering subsequent actions on his part, maybe he did. He dumped me, for the second time, a week ago, so at least in this case, the question of RELATIONSHIP is moot.

At the time though, I said truthfully that I simply didn't know. I had not thought about a RELATIONSHIP for so many years, I really didn't know what I wanted anymore. I'm not sure, frankly, if I ever knew what I wanted, which may be the reason none of my RELATIONSHIPS ever lasted for any length of time.

I have spent the last several weeks considering this question and trying to formulate an honest, thorough and meaningful answer. I've thought about the kind of man I would like to be in a RELATIONSHIP with; see my earlier entry entitled “Relationship? Huh? What?” from October 14.

So, here is the answer to this incredibly loaded question: First and foremost, I want to like the person I am in a RELATIONSHIP with. Not love, LIKE. As in, I LIKE being around this person for any length of time, and I LIKE seeing him again after we’ve been apart, and I LIKE the way he is with me, and I LIKE the way he thinks. I believe people frequently fall in LOVE with folks they don’t particularly LIKE, or who don’t really LIKE them. I hope to avoid this.

Then, there are the qualities that apply to all relationships, listed in my previous entry: honesty, mutuality, respect, openness, communication, unconditionality. Next, the other more obvious aspects, I suppose: companionship, good talking, comfortableness, ease, some mutual interests (covered in the “MAN” section of my previous post), generosity, physical interaction at all levels; honesty, again, especially about feelings for one another; support in difficult times and joy in happy times.

More esoteric, I guess: a bit of “nudge-nudge, wink-wink,” in public; sharing problems and trying to solve them together, or at least offering suggestions; love, at some point, along with LIKE; down the road, exclusivity; later on perhaps, commitment, happily; security; understanding that there are needs, no matter how independent we want to portray ourselves as being; letting one another know as needs change, and working to accommodate and grow; understanding that people do change over time, and working to understand those changes in each other; hoping that this fosters a long-term, maybe lifelong relationship, which need only be acknowledged by the two people involved.

Here is what I wrote as the “Homily” when I officiated at my sister’s wedding in 1996 (long story; I’ll elaborate in another entry, if anyone is interested); I’ve substituted the word “relationship” for the word “marriage” (it WAS a wedding, after all):

Relationships sometimes begin with love, and are built on it, but are not built only of love.
In many ways, a relationship is like a house. It provides comfort and shelter to its occupants.
To maintain it in good condition, chores must be done; sweeping, cleaning, taking out the trash, keeping the lines of communication in working order.
Sometimes, you must make repairs when things age or break: fix a leak in the roof, or add extra insulation to keep the house comfortable during cold spells.
As time goes on, you may need to add an extra room, or put on a porch. And once in a while, to keep a house standing, you have to shore up the whole foundation.
The relationship is not an end in itself; like the house the people live in, it's a shared work in progress.

The following also beautifully describes RELATIONSHIPS; it's from "The Prophet," by Kahlil Gibran:

And he answered, saying: You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days.
Aye, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness, And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone.
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.
Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.

These are probably the best expressions of what I hope to find in a “RELATIONSHIP” that I can enunciate. Feel free to use them for your wedding/committment/other ceremonies. Let me know if you do, so I can wish you well in your RELATIONSHIP.

It’s not all that complicated, now that I think about it. Sadly, it seems to become very complicated for me. I'm back to looking for that man I described in my earlier entry, in hopes of having a RELATIONSHIP. Oh, well, back to the drawing board, I suppose. I have to get over my hurt first; I'm still working on that.

More later, to be sure,
Catbird