Sadness/Repost

Originally posted ca. 10/29; taken down 11/01/06; revised, reposted 11/05/06

Dear Reader,

Lots to talk about; really tired. There are so many things going on now; one of my cats, Winky, has died, new clients, apartment upheaval, being discarded yet again.

I was “dumped” for the second time by a man I’d been seeing, sort of, for the last few months. The problem is that I feel a lot (obviously too much) for this man; I know he’s at many levels a good guy, and I thought we had a lot to share with one another. No, we didn’t have everything in common, but enough points to work from and we each have our own things to work on.

The first time he dumped me, he said we were “not a good fit.” I had no idea what he meant. Interestingly, in this first go round, prior to telling me I “wasn’t a good fit” for him, he was talking about how he had to upgrade his entire office staff (he has his own business). It was as if he were dismissing me at the same time he was dismissive of his employees. All I can infer from this is that he thought I was somehow lacking; I know I should not think that way, but it’s where my head goes.

In our second go-round, he asked me out (I was stunned, frankly), and took the initiative to restart our physical relationship. He seemed involved and interested; he talked about things he wanted us to do together, he said he wouldn’t bug out again, and he told me about his “real” girlfriend. I was saddened to find out that I was only the “other woman,” but was willing to take on the role, because I thought he was worth it. I tried to be attentive, flexible, open, undemanding and caring. Not good enough.

I got the classic “I don’t have romantic feelings for you,” as if these feelings develop instantly. He reiterated that he didn’t have “those feelings” for me, nor would he. He also let me know that none of the conversations we had had meant enough to him to even remember them, and I've gotten the feeling that any emails I sent were pretty much ignored. I know I tend to go on too much, and I know he was really busy all of the time, but it would have been nice if he had at least listened to me in some form. I apparently was not worth the effort, which makes me feel worth less. So, I’m alone again. This is terribly hard for me, but it seemed so easy for him. No big deal; can we be friends?

I don’t understand how some people can move so easily from one type of relating to another; how can someone move from being in a lovely, intimate interaction to being “pals” (or more sadly, enemies) with seemingly no difficulty? All I can conclude is that the intimacy meant little when it happened, which I thought was something not possible with this individual. I thought I was dealing with a self-aware, open, mature man, for whom intimacy was a meaningful and important part of relating. Apparently it was, just not with me. I feel bad, and cheapened, and less than I did before, and I hate feeling like this.

I have tried for years to not dwell on negative emotions. Recently, I have felt them all: anger, hate, self-doubt, jealousy, frustration, you name it. I have not been able to quash them and many of these have been turned inward, with the commensurate self-hating and depressive behaviors. I thought I had grown out of these things, but clearly not yet. And, all of this takes so much energy out of me; I am completely exhausted all of the time. Anger and hate are the worst. I truly don't like to feel these things; I know I'm making bad karmic causes, but I can't help myself.

The other blow from this episode is that I might have to stay away from my chorus until I feel better. It just hurts too much to see him, and not be able to talk or interact. And it feels bad to be just “one of the folks.” I communicated with him after he sang in a concert with the rest of our chorus men, as well as about 100 other guys, because I was so pleased to see what a good time he was having. He replied, and the result of this communication is that all of my hurt feelings have been re-activated. Oh, well, the chorus will survive for a while without me.

The one upside to this whole chapter has been that I have lost over 20 pounds in the last 4 months. This was weight that I could certainly spare, and wanted to lose, but I wish that I had lost it through increased activity of certain kinds, and not by way of having no appetite because I feel so bad all of the time. I suppose I should thank him for this.

It’s not as if there is nothing else going on in my life, either. I have been having a few medical issues; Winky has died; I’ve got work, my chorus work (I’m the treasurer), my gardens and other things to keep up with; but all have been overwhelmed by this situation with this man, which I can’t seem to process and get past.

This is so hard, and I have not figured out how to feel better.

More cheerful and interesting stuff soon, I promise!

Thanks for reading,

Catbird