Cascade Failure

Dear Reader,

I'm in a bad way, as follows:

I give up. I surrender. I can't do this anymore. I've just had a meeting with an attorney to handle some issues, and now my computer has melted down totally. Everything has stopped working; I took out Excel and Word to reinstall, and I can't reinstall. I can't use the second computer because the keyboard card doesn't work. I can't rebuild this system again; I've done it once already. The computer guy is coming tomorrow, and I know that's going to be a complete waste of time; he'll sit there and do all of the stuff I've already done, then tell me I need to wipe the hard drive and reinstall everything. I can't go through this again.

I am so tired of fighting everything; work, drinking, weight, men, computers, parks, my family, everything. I am so tired of everything feeling so hard, and being alone all of the time through it. With no one to help or support me. I am so tired of being alone. I've just had it.

I have someone coming in here tomorrow who is going to see this place and how screwed up I am, and I know it's just going to be a waste of time anyway. And I can't afford to pay someone $150/hr to tell me that the machine is beyond repair.

I can't do this anymore. I am so tired. Everything has been so hard and I just can't do this anymore. Nothing helps; beer, meds, gardens, cats, nothing helps anymore. And I look around this place and see a crazy person. I don't even have the will or energy to try to pick things up anymore. It's just overwhelming, and it's all me. It's not the lack of space; if I had more space it would be worse, because there would be that much more crap. I can't do this anymore.

I can't let them take my cats to WV. They'll just get sick and die there. I want to be cremated and strewn part in the Broadway Malls and part in the Park. Everything else can be trashed. There are a couple of small things, but I can't deal with that now. Hopefully my life insurance will pay my debts. If not, they can sell my stuff on Ebay and maybe get enough.

I'm so tired of fighting and struggling. I have no one to help me; I feel as if I'm always fighting the rest of the world just to stay alive. Forget about EVER being happy. Never has happened.

I canceled my appointment with my ocular oncologist, because I don't care if I have cancer. I hope it is, and it spreads. I can't afford to take care of it anyway, so what difference does it make?

No one will notice when I'm gone. Yes, I believe that. A few people will be sad for a couple of minutes, then life will go on. There will be no big gap. The clients will get someone new in; the chorus will get someone new in; my friends will get someone new in, the park will get someone new in, and my family will keep on as before, except they won't have the bother of my showing up twice a year to fuck things up. A big relief all around.

I am just so tired of fighting everything all of the time. I am so tired of justifying my existence. Might as well stop. Oh, I wish I could die or that someone would kill me. See? I can't even do this right. I can't even overdose on the meds I have. How could I kill myself? I don't even have the spine or courage do to that. All I can think of to do is curl up and not move anymore. I don't know what else to do. I am just so tired of all of this. I can't do it anymore.

And why didn't anyone ever tell me that "The Sopranos" was so fucking brilliant? As a soprano, I should have been informed.

Catbird