At a Loss

Dear Reader,

I'm at a loss, though not for words. I've been holding off writing in an attempt to get some "real" work done: work in my apartment, cleaning out stuff; work-type work, to get some of the client materials out of my apartment; work in my gardens, weather permitting; work on my chorus stuff, to tie down some loose ends; even the most basic types of housework, like washing the dishes or doing laundry. I take a few starting steps, but can't keep at it; I get distracted by something, or just begin to feel overwhelmed and give in to watching TV or "googling" random things.

Lately I've been distracting myself by looking up recipes: (light) banana breads, muffins or different ways to cook spaghetti squash or other vegetation, soups, "healthy" foods. Over the last few months the one thing I've accomplished is losing 25 pounds; I'm not "thin" but at least I'm not as puffy as I was. But now I have to keep it off. Eating right is more labor-intensive than eating badly, and it makes for more post-meal labor. Dishes to wash, peelings (compostable), recyclables, whatever to discard, leftovers to store. But I am determined to at least do this: keep this weight off, and keep to a decent diet. I may be too depressed to move, but at least my cholesterol level will be good!

Depression is no fun. Even with medication, it's still possible to be depressed, even for long periods. Sometimes I feel as if I'm in a clear box that I can't break out of, no matter how I try. I take my meds religiously, but I frequently feel so overwhelmed by the vagaries of life that I can't even deal with the day-to-day mundanities. As I said in my previous entry, it's helpful to get out of myself and do stuff for other people, but this simply delays the inevitable: at the end of the day, I'm back in my apartment, looking at all of the stuff I should have done, and feeling overwhelmed yet again. Bummer.

What's the answer? I have no idea. I just keep trying to slog through and get something, anything done, so I can at least feel as if I've made one step forward. Though, then there are often two or three steps back after that. If I could just get to break-even, I'd be happy, I think.

Sorry to be such a downer. I really want to talk about some of the irritating conflict I'm having out in the Park, or even some of the irritating conflict I'm having with my chorus board. Or even talk about something positive, like developing good relationships with new clients, or toying with the idea of getting a dog, or all of the work I'm looking forward to doing out in the park (pruning season!).

But this feeling of being overwhelmed and overmatched by life is something I can't get past right now. I hope I'll have it worked through soon, because I feel stopped in my tracks, and I need to get started again. How?

Thanks for reading,
Catbird