Looking in the Rearview Mirror

Dear Reader,

I've been back in NYC for 8 days, and it feels like a month. So many things have happened; routine and not so.

I began the "Broadway Tree pit" project last Monday, right after work. It's remarkable how tiring simple digging, hoeing and weeding/detrashing can be. I started a course of yoga the next day, and did more "pit" work. Wednesday was routine, with a major downpour dumped in; I canceled 2 doctor appointments on Tuesday and Wednesday because I just felt overwhelmed.

Thursday was a long catchup session at a client; new workspace (again), new office manager (again), new systems (again). I love this client, though, so the anxiety is worth it.

Friday, prepared draft budget for my chorus for next season, working with almost no definitive information. What fun! What surprises me is that my hobbies almost invariably end up being "jobs," albeit unpaid ones.

I started taking care of a friend's very old cat on Sunday. This will be nearly a three-week stint. Also over the weekend, I got back into the Park. It was none the worse for wear, thankfully! In fact, I was amazed at how untouched things were. I was so grateful for that, but I was so relieved to be back. It was like "old-home" weekend, too; almost all of my dog/people friends came by, and I had many nice chats and catch-up sessions. My friend Linda and her dog Smokey (see this entry: http://catbirdeye.blogspot.com/2007/05/wonderful-day-in-neighborhood.html) came by for an extended visit and playing with his Kong. What surprised me was that when they came into the Park, he trotted right up to me, Kong in mouth, then waited for me to start playing. He is a great dog! Linda and I caught up, which was nice.

I have never been good at having a lot of "friends." I have had one "best" friend, and many acquaintances, but never several close friends. My "best" friends have been few and far between, and have always left one way or the other. My last best friend died a few years ago of Parkinson's disease. Nowadays, whenever anyone mentions sensations of what might sound like symptoms of Parkinson's, I get antsy and tell them they should get checked. It seemed to sneak up on my friend, and I would hate for that to happen to anyone else I know.

I spent the last week updating folks (at their request) on my "vacation" in WV. I mentioned first and foremost that I spent time in PA with my sister and her husband, and that I rode a jet ski! Honestly, I have been surprised at the reaction! People think this is a big adventure; I'm some sort of daredevil or something. I thought I was doing something pretty ordinary; I figured if I flipped the thing, I'd just end up swimming. Anyway, I've described the rest of my time away as uneventful, which it was, and untroubling, which it was not.

When I leave there, I take the burden of the place with me, and it stays with me for quite a while. I have worked hard to maintain connections and relationships with my sisters, and of course, Daddy. This has been a real challenge sometimes because the life I have here is so different and disconnected from them.

I know Daddy is happy when I come down, no matter how dysfunctional I seem to be. And, to him, it would not matter if I did anything to "help out," or if I just sat and watched TV all day; I know he is happy to just have me there. My sisters are another issue. If I don't "do something" while I'm there, I'm labeled "lazy, drunk, useless." It doesn't matter that I'm on vacation when I'm there. As far as they are concerned, I don't really "work" anyway. Yes, I don't wear a smock or a uniform; I don't clock in; I don't have someone else setting my schedule. So, I don't really work.

Anyway, as I drive away from there, and get back into the NY pace and routine, such as it is, I wonder when and if I will see them again, especially Daddy. I'm torn, because he has never abandoned me, and I don't want to feel as if I am abandoning him when he may need me. It's hard to know, because he will never say. What to do?

I want a motorcycle!

Catbird