Depression.

Dear Reader,

My entry of yesterday does not mean "FIN" to this column; it means the end of my efforts to keep a connection going with someone who clearly does not want any connection with me whatsoever.

This episode, from beginning to end, has been terribly difficult and painful for me. It has confirmed all of the fears I had of trying to see someone again; it confirmed every iota of self-doubt and insecurity I have; it confirmed that, apparently, my "fate" is to be alone. This is a pretty hard reality to have to face, and accept.

My entire thought process centers around the question: what is wrong with me? And the corollaries: what did I do wrong; what is it about me that is not good enough; am I not smart, educated, erudite enough; am I too old, coarse, clumsy, silly, what? Is it my tattoo?

I cannot think in positive terms, no matter how I try. I am even going to stay away from my chorus; I simply can't continue to go to rehearsals and deal with NOT dealing with the gentleman in question. It makes me feel too badly after rehearsal. As long as I'm with my chorus friends and singing, or keeping busy, I'm fine, but as soon as I'm alone and begin ruminating, I'm lost.

I suppose if I had gone through this 15 years ago, I might not be feeling as badly. But going through this at my age, after being alone for so long, is doubly painful. And having no future prospects makes for a very bleak outlook. In general, life sucks, and I don't know how to get myself to feel better.

I am hoping that if I stay away from the chorus for a while, and have no further communications with the individual, I might have a chance to recover. We'll see. Missing rehearsals may ultimately do more harm than good, but it's the only alternative I can think of at the moment.

I had hoped to write a more cheerful column about the weather change (at last!) here in NYC, but I'll save that for the weekend. Suffice it to say that we're finally having some date-appropriate weather, although we pretty much skipped Fall and went right from summer to winter. More on this in another entry. I will still be out in the gardens this weekend, as there is still much "close down" work to do, like leaf raking (UGH!).

Yours,
Catbird