Philosophy 101

Dear Reader,

The following is something I wrote back in the middle of August, before I actually opened this blog. It was also before several events happened: the man I was trying to date dumped me (twice), my beautiful cat became ill and died, I started to feel lonely, inadequate and rejected, all manner of negative stuff. I am amazed at how positively I was looking at life only about 3 ½ months ago! I hope I am able to get back to this, which is a correspondence with a friend of mine (he’s married), who was having some of his own issues at that time ("I'm" in rose; "he's" in gray):


I've been working on this for some time, so I apologize for my delayed response to yours of a couple of weeks ago. This is apropos of our discussion re: the house out there and the difficulties dealing with it sometimes. I hope you realize that I do mean to help, or at least give another viewpoint, and I'm glad that you and I have worked together long enough so that I can do that. That said, here is what I have to say in furtherance of this discussion:

Like most good things of value, this one takes a lot of time and aggravation, and as time goes by I seem to have less patience. So, I get down.
Then, I still seem to rally—especially on a beautiful day.

As far as I can tell, from myself and those around me, you're not alone in your lack of patience. For me, the core thought is that there are things over which I simply have no control, and so are not worth expending the energy of aggravation or frustration. I don't mean this as surrender by any means, but more a source of trying to turn negatives into positives.

I've found over the years that frustration, anger and other negative emotions really devour much more energy than other ones. As a conservationist, I try to save energy, including my own. This doesn't mean I'm disinterested or uninvolved; it means that I say a couple of GD's, then go to the next thing. How to correct the problem, how to avoid it in the future, etc. Also, being frustrated shouldn't bring you down; it should simply challenge you, like exercising or, in my case, going to sleep. These are not irreparable things; just a few bumps in the road. And, on a nice day, you've got that renewal.

Sometimes, when I go out into my gardens after a busy Friday or Saturday night, I get truly angry and depressed at what I find. How can civilized human beings do this? Don't they have any consideration for other folks in the park? Believe me, I find awful stuff, that is truly upsetting. I sometimes (less frequently these days) find plants damaged or destroyed, trees harmed, trash, dog excrement, etc. So, I mutter under my breath while I undo the damage, and hope, by doing so, that the people who do the damage will learn something, and the folks who use the park will do more to stand up for the place when I'm not there. Believe it or not, this has had some success. I have far less trash and damage now than I did even a year ago. Even my resident psycho generally cleans up after himself. Why? Because I took the problems and just worked over them. It's very hard, believe me, but conserving and renewing your emotional energy this way really helps.

I know it sounds silly, but sometimes I just walk around and closely examine the plants and trees, to check out how they are doing, and to re-energize myself. I really feel that I can get some positive energy from this. I know you have spent a lot of time and money making the grounds of the house beautiful and resemble some of your early life's surroundings. I think you had shad and a few other plants put in that are not typical in New York gardens. It might help, on one of those beautiful days, or better yet, a crappy one, to go out and see how those guys are doing. I think your wife is totally on the right track with a cutting garden and other garden accoutrements!

Tell me, wise “Catbird,” how does a person break the habits of a lifetime, and accept things that are not perfect?! Really! I would like to know. That is my struggle. How can I be content to accept that I can’t control things important-- at least to me?

So, my thought is, you don't have to accept things that are less than perfect, but don't expend so much energy being irritated about their lack of perfection. Try to see the steps necessary to make things the way you want them to be, but remember that attaining perfection is a long and arduous process, which may involve several stops along the way. Also, keep in mind that your version of perfect may not be another person's, or anyone else's for that matter.

In general, you can control the really important things. Maybe not when a sprinkler goes on or off, or certainly when it rains, but other things you can control. Worried about a storm? Okay, insurance is in place, but maybe you want to get a generator, just in case the power goes out for any length of time. Keep some gasoline available, just in case; flashlights, batteries; you know the drill. Make sure any meds you and yours need are available. As you and she get older this will become a more important issue.

You can control your health to a large extent. These days, we're in a much better position to do that than ever before. We know more about what our bodies are doing (or not) than any generation before us, and know more about what to do (or not) to keep our bodies (the machines our minds and spirits live in) going.

It's not as black and white as accepting things the way they are. Everything is really gray; you can do something to make things more the way you want, but on the other hand, you may never be able to get things exactly the way you want. This would apply to the current house, and certainly to a new one, because you would have to start the honing process all over again. By keeping the house you currently have, you're many more steps down the road than you would be if you started over again.

I read this back and I see a lucky, spoiled person talking!!

No, you're neither spoiled nor lucky. You have high expectations because those are the standards you were imbued with. And thank heaven for that. I hate the "least common denominator" mentality that seems to govern most of society nowadays, and I fear that it's only going to get worse. I fear that folks my age may be the last bunch to realize there is something better than people who can't (or won't) speak English, who think that rap is actually music, and that what's on TV is a parameter to live UP to. I think all I can do is work hard, take care of my gardens, sing well, and hope that in some way I leave something behind to make subsequent people appreciate the better things in life. I think you can do that, too.

Sorry to get so philosophical, but it helps me focus my thoughts, as well. Again, try to make things a positive. It really helps.


Yes, it does,
Catbird